Good for Dubai, which has announced that it will not use porno-scanners in its airports, saying they're disrespectful to women and children. (I'd add men to that, too, but no government's perfect.)
Exactly two weeks ago, my family and I embarked on our trip to Jamaica, and this was my first trip through BWI that I'd noticed the installation of the new perv-machine. I'd be damned if I was going to let my pregnant wife and two-year-old walk through the thing, so I jumped in front of them as we proceeded to be frisked by the state's dirty underwear-loving goon squad.
Thankfully my wife and son were motioned to the regular scanner; that left me with the peeping tom. As I waited for the scanner to be "recalibrated," I looked at the TSA guy to my left and said, "I better fluff a little!" I actually thought that might get me tased, but he just started laughing and told me I had issues. I guess not all TSA agents are clueless.
Finally I'm called into the machine and forced to raise my arms up in the air. Then turn around. As I felt all dirty inside but secretly hoped the jerks enjoyed their show, I wondered why we need the porno-scanners when we basically have to get naked just to walk through the regular ones. All in the interest of national security I guess.
As I exited the machine, another agent made me raise my arms in the air all over again so he could wand me down. Apparently a metal detector is going to find something in a crack somewhere that the porno-scanner can actually see through. By now this entire fiasco had easily hit the five-minute mark. I was pretty sure my wife had already delivered our unborn son, placed him on the belt of the machine to my left, gathered him up, and placed him back into her womb.
Just when I thought I was free (as if), yet another agent forbade me from exiting a gate until I was "cleared" by the peeping tom(s). Eventually the gate was opened and I walked out, looking back to see who the next victim was -- turned out to be a rather attractive young lady. At that point I wondered if the TSA was accepting applications for more peeping toms.
Fluff a little--another classic from Bothwell! Dude, I might have to move out to your neck o' the woods just for the damned comic relief!
We're planning a little trip of our own toward the end of summer. I'm not sure if the pervotron machine will be in place at LAX, but given this airport's prominence in the pinko wonderland of California, I'm guessing it will be humming away when my hairy ass lumbers through the business end of it. My hope is that the sight will be so off-putting as to blind or otherwise disable (wretching nausea, perhaps) the goons on the pleasure end. Of course I'll encourage Mrs. Bittersmore and Jr. Lips to opt for the stone-age version, but then there's always the chance that they'll send her to the special screening area. Last time I went through LAX, I watched a large number of average looking folks (including several swarthy, head-gear wearing types) pass through easily through, the only person sent through special screening being (of course) the attractive young blonde in the leggings and tight t-shirt. But I'm sure they were just worried about anti-American jihadists disguising their identities, and concerned about being the stiff on duty when the "Victoria's Secret Bomber" detonated her push-up bra at 35,000 feet.
Posted by: Cal | July 19, 2010 at 02:01 PM
I call those machines "pedophile-o-vision". I can't think of a more rewarding job for a pedophile to have. Just shows what kind of person will work for the government.
Posted by: Kent McManigal | July 19, 2010 at 11:23 PM
t-rev...great post. i can only wax that poetic after a half dozen Makers... ;)
cal...not met you yet, but love ur stuff.
Posted by: kramer | July 21, 2010 at 02:18 PM
Thanks kramer, that made my day!
Posted by: Cal | July 21, 2010 at 10:41 PM